I've actually started this post a LOT of times. I've been trying to sum up a whole year into one post and haven't felt successful with each attempt. So now that I am writing this post, it has been almost a full 10 months since Dave has been home. (I back dated this post so I could start catching up.) I know, its been a really long time since my last post, and our blog has been pretty pathetic. I have really been wanting to write something. I've been at a loss. Nothing I wrote seemed to work. I wanted some kind of accounting of the year Dave was gone. I had this unfinished post and I felt like I couldn't continue writing or posting until I had this one post done. Its been an internal struggle of, "to post or not to post". And the feeling of writing something hasn't gone away. Well, I should probably just do it. I know its been a long time, and I'd like to blog, and at this point I just need to get it over with. Frankly, its been difficult to know what to write exactly since a lot of things I cannot write because they are of a very personal nature, especially for a blog. Thankfully the attempted posts that were never posted weren't in vain though. A lot of things were just for me. Things that I could write in my own personal journal, and things to think about. Its just taken me a long time.
The year Dave was gone I felt as if a "hurricane" had hit. Usually after a hurricane there are a lot of things you have to clean up. Life doesn't stop, and for awhile there was so much going on the leftover mess was pushed aside, almost too overwhelming to clean it all up. Its taken me a long time to clean up some broken things, with the help of a God who has needed to mend most of them. Hopefully this paragraph makes sense....Hopefully everything else makes sense, its just going to come out however at this point.
So here it goes. The year Dave was gone was one of the hardest times in my life. It is for sure in my top 3 list. Wow. We had a feeling something was coming. Our lives were going to change dramatically. When we found out Dave was deploying we said, well, guess we need to grow. The thing with growing is that it hurts most of the time. Dave left a month after Makenna was born. Kayla had a really hard time with her daddy being gone. I felt like I was fumbling to balance all that was on my shoulders now, this was new to me. I really rely on Dave for so much. He does so much for me and for our family. I have always tried to make sure I show Dave and tell him how much I appreciate him and love him, BUT I learned very quickly how much I take so many things for granted, even the small things, which are actually not so "small". A hug, a kiss, a touch, a glance, a date, laughing, the day to day things, spending time together, a cuddle, a shoulder to cry on. Knowing he will be home at any minute, making his dinner and doing his laundry. I even missed the dirty socks he would leave on the floor. No really, I did. There are a million and one things I missed. I missed my best friend.
Lucky for us, Dave was able to be home for the holidays since he was still in the states for training. Which was pretty awesome. Hard to say goodbye again, but still pretty awesome. I am so grateful for that tender mercy from God. It was just what we needed. A day after we sent Dave back to training my life changed. Some things happened that were very unexpected. Again, because it is very personal to me and others, and out of respect I am purposefully being vague. It was a very difficult time for me. Dave was deployed while all of these things were happening. I felt like most of the time Dave was gone my head was just above the water. I was on survive mode for the most part. I didn't have a lot of time. (This blog got kinda neglected.) I had a lot to do taking care of my family and my home. When I did get time it was usually spent doing things I needed to do. I did my best. Often things had to wait until everyone was in bed. I did make a goal for myself at the beginning that I would write Dave an e-mail everyday, no matter what. So, often, I would spend a lot of evenings up late writing to Dave. I can honestly say I fulfilled that goal! At the beginning of the deployment when I wrote or talked to Dave I didn't want to worry him, so I would sugar coat things and I wouldn't tell him things. I didn't want him distracted because he had to focus and fulfill his mission there. I didn't want him to worry. But that did just the opposite of what I had intended. He saw straight through me and made me promise to tell him EVERYTHING. (He knows me so well.) He wanted to know everything about what was going on, how I was doing and our girls, our lives, and the more the better. He would worry more when I didn't tell him things. Dave is very sweet and I was so grateful to him.
One thing I had to learn and be better at was taking time for myself. I usually don't make time for myself. Dave is usually the one who intervenes on my own behalf. There is usually always something to be done. I'm still learning how to do this and trying to figure out the "balance" because it IS important. Its not selfish to renew yourself and do something that is enjoyable and makes you happy. (Just in moderation and when there is a balance.) I was reaching breaking point. Well, my two wonderful friends (one happened to be my visiting teacher actually) came to my rescue. They made sure we got together at least once a month for a girls night out or get together. It was so nice, and needed. I'll never forget that! That made Dave very relieved since he had been telling me I needed to do something for myself for so long. He is so sweet and thoughtful.
Even though Dave was so far away I felt like we were able to grow together. He had the great blessing and was fortunate to be working in an office that had a phone. He called me whenever he could and would often wait up (late) until everyone had gone to bed and left the office so he could call. Dave also was able to write me back when I e-mailed him and through that contact we were able to continue making decisions together, parent, and be a team, and cultivate our marriage and love. Dave was working so hard, going out on missions, meetings, office work, hero work, you know. I don't know how he found the time. They took breaks throughout the day, but they worked all day until late at night. I know he made sacrifices in order to put our family first. He has always been an example of that to me throughout our marriage. Oh my goodness I love him! He was a great strength and support to me, even though I felt guilty that it should have been the other way around. I did do my best to support him. Whenever he called I would drop whatever it was I was doing. The investment of a blue tooth was worth it! (Thank you Dave, best present ever!) I could change a diaper and talk to him or do whatever it was I needed or was in the middle of. I e-mailed him every day. And Kayla and I sent lots and lots of packages. There was an awesome deal on a box to an APO address through the Post Office. It would get there in about 2 weeks. And it was cheap! So I was always stocked up on boxes and customs forms. I knew the workers there by name and they knew me, and we would chat. When they saw me walk through the door with my box to send they had me all rung up by the time I was at the counter. I sent pictures, and videos on dvd, letters, snacks, things he needed, and love mixes. I tried to pay attention to Dave's calls and e-mails and Kayla and I would get creative. I think a favorite that we sent was a huge bag of popsicles. (They had a little freezer in the office hallway luckily.) Dave was also very thoughtful. He never forgot any special events, birthdays, and holidays and made sure we knew how much he cared. He would send Kayla e-mails and drawings he had scanned and e-mailed. During some especially hard times Dave surprised me with flowers he had delivered. That made my day and made me smile from ear to ear the whole day. Our e-mails were awesome too. I feel like Dave and I how an awesome "journal" we can put together of that year because of all the e-mails we wrote back and forth. How blessed we were to be living in a time when we could easily e-mail each other and he could make a call occasionally. My mother-in-law reminded me often how blessed we were. Dave's grandparents were newly married when his grandpa was drafted into the war. A few weeks after their marriage there was news of Pearl Harbor. And 3 months after Dave's grandma was pregnant (with Dave's mom) Dave's grandpa received the draft notice from President Roosevelt that would separate them for three years! They didn't have the luxury of e-mail or phone calls like we did. And when Dave's grandma got a letter she never knew how accurate or current it was or where he was at that time, because it would take awhile to receive mail. Dave's grandma, in her own words said, "We wrote every day and those three years only cemented our marriage." They are amazing people. They were an example to me and I was grateful to my mother-in-law for the reminder. They went through a lot during that time away from each other. Looking at my own life and what I thought I was going through was hard, didn't seem so bad. It was very humbling. I feel the same as Dave's grandma did. I feel like even though Dave and I were apart, our marriage grew, we were able to love each other more, and that we were blessed.
A lot of things happened in that year. Some things I would have never ever even guessed would happen. I definitely felt this was a time for a trial of my faith. What was I going to do? That there were points where I was "on my own" so to speak, so that I could make the choice to work hard to draw closer to God. Sometimes my prayers seemed unanswered. Or so I thought. It took time to realize I needed to change what I was praying for. And also to accept Heavenly Father's will as well as the choices of others. There were lots of times I felt so alone. Satan loves to make us feel this way. That no one is there for us, or that God has abandoned us. That is false and a lie. What I had to do was make the effort to open the shutters and let His light in. On one occassion I was washing the dishes and listening to some hymns. I was singing along and when the song "Lord, I Would Follow Thee" came on I sang the line "Finding strength beyond my own..." it hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt so strongly that indeed one of the blessings I had been given during this time was
"strength beyond my own". The Lord had helped me bear my burdens. He didn't take them away, but with His help I was able to bear them up, and keep going. It took me awhile to realize what great blessings He had given me. I was surrounded by them. And also that many times it was through other people that my prayers were answered. I am so grateful for some very wonderful people who blessed my life in many ways. It meant the world to me. I will never forget the many kindnesses that were given to me. Its amazing how powerful a smile, a hug, or a sincere kind word can be, especially when you feel like your life is on the stormy sea. Words are very powerful and can sometimes cause devastation, but they can also help build and uplift and its amazing to me how powerful they can be. I am so grateful for the love and many Christ-like examples of many people who blessed my life and helped me. Thank you. I had a lot of up and down struggles and wrestling with my faith, but I am grateful for that struggle. Things you have to work for are worth it! Because of the struggle I know more. My foundation has become a little more secure. I know that God lives and He loves me. I know He knows my heart, He has a perfect understanding of my life and my struggles and that He hears and answers my prayers. I am grateful for the opportunity my challenges presented so that I could draw closer to Him and rely on Him. I was able to feel His love and comfort. I love the experiences where I can feel so deeply the piercing penetrating fact that He sees me, and that I am His child. It's real. No one can take that away. I hope I will never forget those times. I have come to realize a lot of things, and hopefully learned a lot of things from "that year". It took some time for me to accept, but I have come to know that God will accept our best efforts. If we give our all, our very best, that is enough. Through the Atonement Christ makes up the difference and if He is included in our lives (which are, of course NOT perfect) things have a way of working out for the best. I do feel like my blessings, in my trials, were equal to if not greater than my challenges. Heavenly Father is so merciful, loving, kind, and wonderful. I am so grateful for my knowledge of Him and my testimony of God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ. God watched over me and my family, and Dave while he was away. And I am sure there is so much more He did during that time that I am not even aware of. The biggest blessing was that Dave was watched over and that he was able to come home safe and sound!
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